Even in Death
by SoulofSol
Summary: Seraphi's Penance to her first born Balem Abrasax. "They don't know that you can't leave me. It isn't your fault the blame was my own yet the punishment yours. One day when you awaken from the fearful emptiness or the frightening grandiose fantasies I encouraged, the information here will help you heal yourself and create a home better than I could ever imagine." Foreword-3rd-1st.
1. Foreword

**"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." - G. K. Chesterton**

In memory of my dad Danny/Balem, wherever you are, and my grandma Elvira/Seraphi, I hope you are in h*l but since I don't believe in h*l then that you may have learned from your mistakes for your next lifetime. I'm in disgust of your behavior but maybe at the end of this story I will understand you and forgive you.

Disclaimer: This is FICTION, not real, any coincidence is coincidental. Also, emotional abuse is just as vile as physical. Maybe even worse because there is no proof, the sweet words that come out of the predators mouth makes you question your sanity, and nobody believes that such a saint could be so manipulative. That's my other grandma too. She can talk you into 'cutting your nose despite your face' and you would do it joyfully because its for your own good! There's only so much injustice a person can take before they explode.

 _Will probably move to T later just to be safe but in my opinion any child over the age of eight is ready for reality. Knowledge is Power. The best Covert Abuse information currently for Kids is "Tangled (rapunzel)," "Coraline," and "Ever After (cinderella)" movies_

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 **Foreword**

Let me tell you the story of the real Seraphi. She was born into a noble family; she became a target of negligence and abuse. She might have become another wan girl-victim of the patriarchy, but she was smart and strong and she had the survival instincts of a wildcat. Scratching through school, purring at kind strangers, slinking in the shadows and strutting in the light, the woman struggled into adulthood. She became a paragon of achievement and an expert at social grace. She was deemed a beauty, which impressed other women, but she chose to enter the professional world of men, where she defied the odds and won a modicum of professional prestige. These triumphs where not enough to give her a sense of her own reality and security, however, so her energies evolved increasingly into a lust for control and a hunger for power. She scanned the horizons for a king who would admire and protect her—a partner whom she could safely manage. When she found a likely candidate for the job, she married him. She felt she was safe, empowered, and in control. She crowned herself queen.

And then something awful happened. It seemed that fate had tricked her cruelly. Her man was no protector—he couldn't even protect himself against the larger world that she had learned to fear and revere. Indeed, her supposed king cowered like a frightened puppy in the face of danger. Horrified, the woman discovered that this whimpering cur was no king at all. The woman felt terrified, desperate, and alone. Her only make may have adored her, but there was no salvation in the adoration of a worm. (Seraphi Abrasax had not learned to experience the simple humanity of herself or others, so for her, men were either kings or worms, and she was either a queen or a victim.) She had survived and even thrived in the patriarchy's jaws, but she was growing older, weary, and impatient. She realized that she was pinned under a professional glass ceiling, like a precious but inarguably dead butterfly who is pinned under and entomologist's mounting slide. In this deteriorating state, how could she continue to feed her huger for professional success and personal gratification, without a championing mate by her side? She lusted for a mate who was worthy of her, and she hunted him with quiet desperation. None where deemed worthy.

After numerous attempts to find that champion and failing, she decided that the only way to have that champion was to make him. He would be someone who would be strong for her and never betray her because she made him. She was the best and from the best she created her son, her champion.

Balem was created only for her. His triumphs were her glory. His gifts were her gold. He was rewarded for his achievements with her glowing praise and encouragement. She inflated his life to match her dreams and he soared on the wings of her ambition. When he seemed too weary or faltered, she gave him a taste of her hunger so that he could feed on others and live on their life force, just as she was living on his.

True, there were moments when Balem grew uneasy, when he felt that his life was laid upon the altar of his mother's needs and was therefore unavailable to him. In these moments, the son felt flickers of resentment and anger and, eventually, hate. Of course, he was appalled as soon as he perceived his dark feelings, and he buried them under mountains of guilt and penance. But as the years passed, Balem held onto his anger long enough to struggle against his mother's embrace. He would journey afar and speak treasonous words of rebellion. When Seraphi learned of these betrayals, she raged in private, but to her son's face she smiled indulgently. Then, softly caressing the ego she had worked so hard to create and inflate, she called her son back to her side with the siren's song of ambition, suspicion, and arrogant elitism. Apart from her, he could not appease his over-blown hunger; only by her side could he ease his yearning for _more_.

As he grew, Balem tried in the gentlest way possible to gain a little independence. But when his mother's sugary tactics foiled his efforts, the former champion was transformed by his raged and frustration into a control-hungry abuser. On the receiving end of this ugly transformation was Seraphi, who was reduced by her son's fury into an epitome of the long-suffering though undeserving martyr. At the sight of her eloquent pain, Balem was wracked with remorse and self-recrimination, and he vowed never again to turn on the pathetic creature whose rescue was his very purpose in life. The son submitted a humble apology to his beloved mother, and then retreated into his original heroic position, mumbling to himself that he was lucky to have such an appreciative, deserving mother.

But just because Balem apologized did not mean that the duet immediately reverted to its original form. His mother, skilled at this particular dance, realized that a whole new ration of blood life could be sucked out of any remorseful champion who was attempting to apologize; as long as Seraphi refused to accept her son's apology, she could remain in the role of a righteous martyr whose suffering cold demand any price in return for her gift of absolution. So she always maintained her injured, unmollified sate for as long as possible.

In the course of this guilt game, Seraphi used many strategies to extract her son's life foruce, but her most effective tactic was to punish him with a siege of shunning. Anyone who has been subjected to the "silent treatment" knows the anguish that this tactic can induce. Balem's anguish is so immobilizing because he knows that nothing he can say or do will penetrate the wall of disdain he has unwittingly erected around his mother with his own reprehensible behavior. He feels that, short of separating himself from his beloved completely, he has no choice but to linger alone near the wall of disdain, desperately performing acts of penance in the faint hope of winning back her fake love. Balem bleeds out his life force into his penance, right up to the moment when he is about to abandon the whole notion of earning his mother's pardon. And then suddenly, just at the very last instant before he packs up his meager resources and leave, his pardon is handed down from his beloved mother's pinnacle of magnanimity, and he is permitted back into his mother's arms.

Seraphi called their profane relationship "love," and her son came to believe in her definition; that is, he came to see "love" as an alliance of inflation, manipulation, and mutual feeding. And so they lived, mother and son, in an unholy marriage where they danced their mesmerizing duet of mutual emotional embezzlement. Sometimes Balem's rebellions would last for years. And sometimes Seraphi would yearn for a depth of union with him that was unspeakable – unspeakable to him, to herself, or to anyone who venture near their duet.

The people are only too happy to encourage the champion's inflation so they can benefit further from his largess of life force—the more blood he pumps, the more they can reap the fruits of his power. The more ReGenX-E they could consume without having to look at the atrocities needed for its creation. The Queens champion would take care of all the distasteful tasks that where necessary.

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If you empathize with and are enthralled with Balem as I am. Below are some self-help books that will help better than any professional.

Drama of the Gifted Child by Allice Miller

Unholy Hungers by Barbara Hort

 _ *****The [dysfunctional] Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Donaldson-Pressman*** No blame and helping you break the cycle of covert abuse**_


	2. Pre-Birth

In memory of my dad Danny, wherever you are, and my grandma Elvira, I hope you are in all consuming fire but since I don't believe in that then that you may have learned from your mistakes for your next lifetime. I'm in disgust of your behavior but maybe at the end of this story I will understand you.

Disclaimer: This is FICTION, not real, any coincidence is coincidental LOL. No I'm not in a cult unless you think Christianity, which some are, a cult. Also, emotional abuse is just as vile as physical.

Current Warnings: breastfeeding (K), death, the usual non-cable TV violence. I think it is K+ for future chapters may help teens going through this but if anyone suggests T I'll change it.

Future Trigger Warnings: Emotional Enmeshment (not sexual in this story but in Real Life 20% of parents cross that line), No violence details but your mind will make it better than I could ever describe it.

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Even in Death Our Love Goes On  
" _No bonds can hold me from your side. Oh my love. They don't know you can't leave me. I will stay forever with you my love. Even in death our love goes on. And I can't love you anymore than I do." Even in death – Evanescene_

A forever storm outside and silence inside the dark metal cathedral, a girl of about 11 Earth revolutions looked at her Saturn time device only 11 minutes left. With a hard choice ahead she swallowed nervously, this would be the first time she wanted to go against her parents' expectations

A. Learn patience by waiting at least 1,000 years till she's deemed an adult and she has taken over part of the business or

B. Rebel, that's what Abba is going to call this behavior, to look at the only place in the entire universe she isn't allowed. Well he didn't actually say "you aren't allowed." But she knows when his voice takes that tone there's no discussion.

9 minutes…

And what really piqued her curiosity was that it has been the first time Mama's tone changed too. Mama tried act like it was any other "ask again when you're older" answer but she failed miserably. The young one wondered if her mom knows at all what's in this section. From the schematics it looks like a luxury suite but it's so out of place away from all the other residences.

7 minutes…

They really should have known better, that the more children are denied something the more they want it. Nervously giddy with anticipation she started playing with her hair and checked that her copy GPS signal is still in the guest room and the invisibility with scent adjustment is still working properly.

5 minutes…

She has never seen her father angry before and wondered what that would be like. She had seen her mother lose it gracefully and re divert her anger to something constructive.

2 minutes…

the young one has seen people, animals, and plants die before and that was horrible but what can be more horrible than that? As the time runs down to switching generators, a security problem she may bring up to them, her parents later, she starts being afraid which is ridiculous in her mind since she was able to make it through an old fashioned humane harvest showing her what other companies still do. Just thinking about it made her stomach hurt. But now, she has to know, it had become an obsession since the last time she came upon this door right after a harvest.

3.. 2.. 1.. her SymBio helped hack the door frame without alarming the ancient A.I. system, they really should upgrade that thing. As she went through the door she laughed inside her mind.

Standing in shock, she saw a self-sufficient ecosystem of plants, birds, and butterflies. Wow the floor was a mix of planet Earth's green flowering clover, luscious green grass, and something else she will definitely research. Taking her slippers off she thought, Such a beautiful oasis in this cold dark cavernous space is surprising. Confused, she didn't understand why her parents wouldn't want her to see such a magnificent place. Large glass holographic screens projected a waterfall in a rainforest and bright blue skies above. The odd thing in the room was a circular furniture piece that looked like a primitive bed hovering over the grass.

So funny instead of using anti-gravity for a body they used it to hover the bed. She sat on it, "it is a primitive resting place!" She got her whole body on it and the bed made a funny sound like an old machine while it brought into view a stand with an old fashion pad on it. Not a modern one but one that required the lives of trees to create. It was an exquisite relic and since it had the Abrasax's Family Logo, it belongs to her too, she thought.

She opened it to find it is no ordinary ancient pad but a merge of modern and old. As she flipped the first page and a hologram of our Abrasax's Logo turned, opened and closed. The next page was a DNA sequence she had learned by heart which it's etched on our main refinery at Ouroboros, Father's perfect DNA. The next page was projection of an ovum showing the original and the addition of new DNA, so was the next as it started to divide new information was added to it, and she didn't understand the techniques being used or how it was possible, next the embryo stage that finally matches her Father's DNA. She didn't understand why this would be a secret. Genetic engineering is done all the time; most of the offspring being born now are genetically engineered using the best DNA and expressions of the breeding pair. It is awesome that Father has the main Entitleds bloodlines. She always thought that her father created the Entitleds but it's the other way. Is that what he can't face?

The next page looked different from the rest of the pad, it was thicker and it had a DNA finger prick to check a person's ID. The little girl thought it was silly as she was expecting to use a copy of one of her parents seals. She came extra prepared for that with her hand faking a full one of her dad's with blood pockets at all finger tips. Akasha Abraxas unlocked it, a hologram of mom's best friend Queen Jupiter with the royal crown of moving birds wings said "My Beloved Sun Prince Balem has come back to me, I missed you, put it on" and it revealed a Memory HoloBand. She had heard of such things that where to transcend time and being by living through a person's memories.

Haha no way "Beloved?" she tolerates my father from afar but beloved wouldn't be the word she would use. It's amusing to watch them jest over the second best planet with mother being the intermediary. Father wants more harvesting during natural catastrophes' and Queen Jupiter says less and has accused father of creating them to take more. Oh and anytime some of hers get themselves killed or disappeared she blames our company. Everything loses quality once it's dead silly Auntie Jupiter, haven't you learned that yet?!

And it's her fault, she hasn't let us upgrade it to a voluntary tribute planet. Her mom had shown her how Earth used to look like when it was managed, blue oceans and mostly green, and not in its current condition an overpopulated second Orous. Those are the times were her mother has lost her temper.

'I still don't understand why they let a clone, fine, a chimera have a planet. Mama says she'll explain it to me when I'm older. Already in trouble, might as well go all the way.' She laid back and attached the band.

There's a blank pause, then an electrical current not shocking but relaxing.

In an elderly Queen Auntie Jupiter's voice, "Even if I haven't been able to show you unconditional love like you deserve, I love you and I will always love you. My everything there was nothing you could have done to change me, I could only change myself, If I'm dead I deserved a worse fate than that because of what I have done to you and in turn the universe. I leave you the knowledge of "that Planet", Earth, and Me before I thought of having you as my companion that it may help you know what is broken within us, that one day you will learn the wisdom to heal yourself. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me."

" _Tell me what you need, let me give you all of me. 'cause without you nothing's real you're the reason that I feel, Tell me what you need Let me give you everything every moment I'm alive, Until the end of time. Love you TILL THE END OF TIME." Mariah Carey_

The Queen of the Universe is tired of all the betrayals, the incompetence that surrounds her, and it doesn't help that nothing satisfies the emptiness inside her; even at her own party she is bored. Coming from a moderate noble family, it was a tough climb to the top.

Caring more about their profit margins than bloodlines, her mother and father sacrificed their own holdings, they were so hungry for wealth that instead of just harvesting their primitive seeded planets they used the entire population of their noble world. Such an act caused huge stir across the known universe that The Agis were created to keep the Abrasax Family in check.

Queen Seraphi laughs internally at such an absurd idea. If only the nobles knew that there is only one player in this chess game. That the very system that's believed to protected them was created and is control by the predator herself. At 3,044 years old she had achieved all that her parents set forth and surpassed their expectations but could never ever satisfy them. She owed them her life and for that she would have to repay them for the rest of her life.

Seraphi did all the work but didn't get the share she knew she deserved. The Agis were used to get rid of her ungrateful parents. She had gotten rid of her entire bloodline and if there was anyone left she had the Entitled system to keep them from claiming any of her holdings. They should all be grateful that she lets any of them breathe. The control of everything in the universe was supposed to make her happy but it didn't.

 _Seraphi to her parents : "If it wasn't for all of your torture, I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down, so I wanna say thank you!" Fighter by Christina Aguilera_

One day she walked in on one of her customers, since everything belongs to her the Queen can go wherever she pleases, and it started her thinking, "Maybe if I had a child?" She always sees the joy on nursing females faces when they look at their progeny.

Seraphi had always hated the idea of children but this time when it crossed her mind it was more of a curiosity than a repulsion. She saw how offspring would give their lives up in exchange for their family's freedom. Or how sires and dams would die for just one of their offspring to survive. It was ridiculous because who would take care of the rest of the offspring they left behind, it didn't make sense to her at all. Still they had something she didn't and she wanted it. "What if I did have one, nothing but the best of course, then maybe I would be happy too?"

"My baby will love me for me and not for my status, not for my wealth, and definitely not for ReGenX, the life extending serum. It will give its life for me and for my legacy." She kept having such silly thoughts that they started to become a distraction. "The face of Abrasax Industry would be male and will have all the advantages I never had. He will be The Prince of the Universe. Born Perfect into a Perfect Universe Created by Me, a companion that I could trust and one who will love me for myself forever." She thought about being pregnant and it didn't disgust her anymore. "Had she not impregnated hundreds of thousands of worlds?" It's a complicated task to take care and manage centillion beings, so one should be easy and joyful. "Having such great knowledge and experience, I will be the perfect mother. It will be a sweet little doll that I can give all my attention to and it will return it to me billion fold." She said to herself.

She always gets invited to the High Entitleds birth parties some more elaborate than the next, most of them trying to impress her, laughing, some parents even show her their offspring DNA for her approval. And present for her their baby's DNA to recreate ReGenX containers more compatible with their families. Then she thought "my parties and My Baby will be better. Rewriting the rules only for him, he will be the first and only born Entitled. What I own he will own, of course he'll start with 1/9 and I'll increase his share as My Prince gets older, till we have equal shares."

Then in her conflict with "that planet", Da'at, that still hasn't yield to her will, she remember that they wanted to merge their DNA's as to think that they would be spared if they were family. And most of my subjects think this way. In the scheme of things, My Baby Dios, Our Abrasax Prince will have the DNA of the top Entitleds, in exchange for some ReGenX stipend. That way it will be easier for them to let go of the bending of the Entitled rules. "Only My Prince will be Born Entitled and I will train him to make them believe that he will be their champion and arbitrator between them and me. It shall be a fun show to watch, My Prince fooling them like I have."

" _you like snow but only if it's warm, what goes around never comes around to you. There's no love, no money, no trill anymore. Get up, get up, get out, get out of here! Enough already!" Wake Up by Alanis Morissette_

It has taken 200 years to get the High Entitled on board and create the perfect specimen from our entire combined DNA. Of course she didn't use it all but lets them think that she did because why would the Queen Bee give them a smidgeon of ReGenX if she didn't get something in return. Now they will get addicted to being young and would want more, and the ones in the family without a ReGenX stipend will want some too. All win for Abrasax Industry. They will all soon come begging for more.

My Genetic Advisors warn against carrying My Angel in my womb away from monitoring machines but I will have it no other way. It is mine and after all that hard work, I'm going to enjoy the completeness of being one with my baby. Only females lacking wealth do this unassisted offspring in their body but I want to experience it for myself. And later to be able to tell him in the future that he was inside me and I grew him within me. I alone created him for me.

 _Seraphi to the Universe ReGen Commercial "Remembering me, discover and see, all over the [universe] she's know as a girl. To those who are free the mind will be key. G-d is a girl wherever you are. She wants to shine FOREVER IN TIME, She is so driven. She wants you to be a part of the future. There's a rainbow for you and me a beautiful sunrise eternally." God is a Girl_

Conception party was a success. I made them all believe they were included by having them donate blood to me intravenously. It was magnificent and I certainly outdid myself. On our enormous luxury ship above Orous, homo-sapien-sapien homeworld, and the party was broadcasted for all to see our unity in making our universe better for us.

And to deplete the old ReGen stocks, we sold it at just above cost price to get everyone addicted and gave a sample of our new ReGenX for those who bought enough for a bath. ReGenX is better than warm blood and ReGen combined.

My Prince does somersaults in the womb as I still do my regular work against my medical advisors wishes. I am not a fragile flower but a strong human woman. There are few calls but there isn't a thing that a ReGenX bath won't fix, I want to be 20 forever and the little one doesn't mind since it keeps him in me longer.

Planetary Year Pre-birth Shower

'Everyone has come during my last stages to pay their respects and bring well wishes. They bring unique gifts for me and our little Dios. The representative from Da'at, "that planet", has the nerve to pay a visit without any high live offerings.' the queen thought.

Da'at's representative, a young female with blonde almost white hair and white blue eyes giving a blank face comes closer bowing down and crawling towards her.

'The graceful crawling forward amuses me' the queen is entertained and asks, "how old are you nymph, something lower?"

"Nine Da'at revolutions, your majesty"

"So they send me a larva instead of my 200 offerings. Are you worth 200 high live offerings?"

"Most high, we bring forth our best technology, best companion beings (animals), medicinal plants, and culture for your pleasure." when it raises its hand a golden bird flies to land on it. The bird ruffles its feathers to show natures almost replica of my crown.

"We will not ask again!"

"Born ninth of nine priests to represent our people, since birth I was carried from noble to noble without touching the ground till age eight when maturity is reached no one will touched me nor I them that I may be able to sense the environment." The bird flew back to its post.

"How has thou learn to walk?"

"On top of other live beings and in warm vats with aid of electrical pulses, my liege"

It intrigued the queen and she liked the energy it emanated "come here, place your hand on our navel"

She caught it hesitating for a fraction of a second but did as she commanded by kneeling in front of her and coming forward to touch. Moving its hand under the garment that they may be skin to skin, the queen held its hand there.

The queen commanded "transfer all the life force to our Dios and I may or may not implode Da'at"

It gently and lovingly whispered "Your Excellency, I'm attached to the source and can give energy multiple times to our Dios if you wish it so." It paused waiting for the queen's reaction.

"continue"

"I will pass out from giving but won't be dead" it said while lining its navel to mine placing her hands on either side of the queen's belly and its forehead on top. The great energy flow was invigorating as the queen felt her baby's needs diminish and tax its system instead of hers.

Having enough for a full fifteen minutes it felt better than a RegenX bath. It passed out with its head gently pressed against queens pregnant belly and her knees hitting the floor.

Queen Seraphi thought, "I shall keep her around. So... there are at least nine, I shall have them all!"

And from that day on it gave its life force to the universe's baby. It sang lullabies while transferring energy and got better at sustaining the connection longer to almost an hour a day.

the worst thing the queen thought, 'I made the mistake of getting attached that I asked its name. It replied NineOfDa'at, so I changed its name to OfAbrasax. It's our company's little generator.'

" _The stars and I will watch, protecting you from nightmares, And dear I swear it's true - no harm will come to you As long as I'm here and we're together" Tsuki no Ie by Audrisaurus English translation._

The Sages say I can't name him G-d, how dare they tell the Queen of the Universe what to name her child! They give me the most auspicious names to match the DNA and time: Sephirot means The Tree of Life, Balem means THEY know/warn of danger, or Kether the crown of life.

My beautiful Prince Balem will warn me of danger and I don't want him to be named higher than me. Yeah yeah "Holy holy holy is He of hosts: the whole [universe] is full of his glory", "purifying the universe", Oh and I will "energetically assimilate all those below by kindling them and firing them in their own heat, and purifying them by a burning and all consuming flame…" etc etc and I really don't care as long as the rites are kept and I keep living forever.

"That Planet" refuses to yield and I will not have it stressing us out. This problem must be resolved before my darling is born. I send the best harvesting machines to take care of it once and for all. They destroyed a third of the harvesting machines that I had to send military reinforcements and still they defied me.

Finally I made the Aegis intervene and we razed the surface of "that planet" so that nothing would ever grow again. Some escaped to unreachable underground caverns but they will die a slow death. I smile at their befitting punishment.

Da'at inhabitants where the oddest beings, once they realized we had won most of them joyfully died for us. Singing and praying through it all. While most stock go into shock or fight till the bitter end. I guess that because they volunteered their serum had the highest quality achieved. I kept it all and used most of it for my birthing day.

" _Through the darkness and good times, I know I'd make through and the [universe] thought I had it all but I was waiting for you… A new day has come" Celine Dion_

After eleven months of waiting our prince is ready, he is born in a ReGenX warm lagoon. Kna'ani my tursted canine is here for support and OfAbrasax is nearby to give assistance and she does by acting like mama feline keeping all my medical advisors, sages, and other high Entitleds away from me.

She really amuses me and gets in the lagoon and lets Kna'ani come too against everyone's wishes including mine but having my Kna'ani-hybrid15 near me as I pet his wet fur relaxes me that I don't feel anything at all. I happens in seconds and OfAbrasax places you on my belly when you are born. Prince Balem my son, you are perfect: Perfect little human head full of hair, perfect fingers, and perfect toes.

The medical advisors and everyone want to have a look at you but OfAbrasax will have none of it. Kna'ani growls at them. I laughed when did she became such a fierce creature. You look at me and smile. I see you already have two teeth. While in my hands you crawl forward to breast feed. You are amazing. I love you.

Tears of joy fall as I never thought I would feel this way about any other human but you aren't human my love! You are an Aeon brought down into the physical universe!

 _"Let's embrace the future in store, Regardless of what has come before;_  
 _Trust in me, I promise I'll be true, And I'll always stay beside you…"_  
 _Hiro no Tsuki by Audrisaurus English_

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 _Next Chapter: where it starts going all wrong and the dangers of being ignorant._


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